Difference Between Sexless Relationship and Dry Spell
Much like the differences between toe-ma-toe and toe-mah-to, the differences between sexless marriage, a dry spell, and a dead bedroom is a matter of semantics. All four imply the same concern that sexual intimacy is missing in action, says Chavez.
As you might guess, sexless marriage is a term reserved for low-copulatory couples who are wed. Meanwhile, a dry spell generally suggests that a few weeks or months have gone without an ‘adequate’ (as defined by the individual using the term) number of intimate encounters.
Someone in a dry spell, however, might not be going through a year(s)-long drought, says Pataky. ‘Usually, a dry spell is often seen as a natural ebb and flow in a relationship’s sexual dynamics, rather than a prolonged problem,’ she adds. However, Chavez notes that ‘some people feel like dry spell is a more socially acceptable term, so [they] use it over other terms, regardless of how long it has been.’
Finally, ‘dead bedroom’ generally refers to a relationship that isn’t just missing in (penetrative) sex, but also other forms of physical intimacy, too.
All in all, if someone is using one of these terms, they are most likely trying to express anguish. As such, whether it’s your partner, pal, or patient (heya, therapists!) who is using this language, it’s in your best interest to ask follow-up Q’s that can help you discern the exact issue.
Why Are We Having No (Or Less) Sex?
To borrow a line from Elizabeth Barrett Brown, let me count the ways. ‘A sudden decrease or drop off in sexual activity can stem from a variety of reasons,’ according to Pataky. The good news is that once the trigger is identified, it can usually be trouble-shot in such a way that sex either returns, or the couple (or triad) realise they are no longer compatible, and can either restructure their relationship or split.
Ahead, six common culprits as to why you’re not getting it on anymore.
- You’re Both Busy
Even a quickie takes some time! So, if you and your boo are currently only getting by with the help of your Google calendar and post-it notes, it makes sense that you’d notice a dip.
‘Having a new baby, one or more partners being in crunch time at work, and navigating a family member’s worsening health are all time-consuming things that can impact how often you have sex,’ says Pataky. Plus, all of these examples are things that take a toll on your emotional and mental bandwidth, as well, which can also throw your sex life a curveball.
If this sounds like you, Pataky says scheduling sex can be an effective strategy to enhance intimacy and connection in relationships, especially in scenarios where the spontaneity of sexual encounters has waned due to life’s demands. ‘Scheduling sex is not just about the act itself; it’s about creating a sacred space for sexual and emotional connection,’ she says.
- You’re Feeling Stressed
When you’re under periods of high stress, your stress hormone (cortisol) levels rise, explains Pataky. Because the entire endocrine system is interconnected, this can cause hormones that impact your interest in sex (such as testosterone and oestrogen) to go haywire, as well.
For some people, high stress can function a bit like an aphrodisiac, causing them to crave sex, and further enjoy the stress-relieving benefits of orgasm, says Pataky. For more people, however, there is no bigger cock or coochie block than stress.
Whether the underlying cause of the stress is financial disarray, your living situation, or work drama, finding ways to navigate it can help. Meditation, mindfulness, deep breathing, yoga, movement, and reduced caffeine intake may all prove useful. Oh, and do your best to stop stressing about how much (or how little) sex you’re currently having! Doing so is only going to exacerbate the so-called issue.
Credit: Menhealth.com
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