Lately I’ve been missing you In all the strangest of places. I’ve been finding your memories littered Across countries that you have never visited, Tucked in the corners of beds You’ve never slept in, I have grown accustomed to recognizing you Inside the faces and bodies of strangers, Bursting with light that you no longer embody, brimming over With the heart you once had.
Lately I have been running from silences, Aching to fill them with chaos, with uncertainty, with anything That temporarily ceases to infer The absence of you.
Lately I’ve been flirting with the concept of Finality – Of choices that we cannot reverse, of mistakes that we cannot unmake, of Absolutes That we can no longer reach out and alter with our meddling, obstinate hands.
I have been learning to lose faith in the concept of Redemption – That all we’ve lost will once again be found or that What’s empty will eventually fill, I have been learning to accept that perhaps sometimes what’s lost is just Gone
And that you cannot find its equivalent, Patiently waiting inside one more foreign coffee shop In one more foreign country, Resting neatly in the body Of one more smooth-talking stranger, lined up cleanly By the sidelines of that dream you never chose.
I have been learning lately, that for some things There are no equivalents, That there may never be an equivalent for you.
I have been trying to redeem you For so many years, trying to carry on the life That you never got to lead, Trying to run fast enough and far enough ahead in the hopes that you’ll eventually catch up
And yet you never catch up. Lately I’ve been entertaining the notion that We can be irreparably broken.
That some of what’s lost cannot be found that some of what’s done cannot be undone, that some of what has crumbled cannot ever be fully reconstructed
And what a goddamned relief it has been. To stop trying to piece these broken parts together, And to finally just let it stay fragmented. To finally let the brokenness be.