What To Do When You Are Unhappy In A Sexless Relationship

1. First, Think About How Important Sex is to You

Of course, the suggestions below will give you tips around conversing with your partner(s). But before you do that, take some time to get really honest with yourself about how important sex is to you.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• In my dream world, how often would I be able to have sex?
• Why do I like having sex with my partner? What does it bring me (or us), exactly?
• What role can masturbation play in helping me meet my sexual wants?

• What types of touch and intimacy with others are currently allowed within the current structure of my relationship?
• Is there a relationship structure change that can be made that will support my happiness?
• What degree of compromise am I willing to make, as far as my sexual desires are concerned?

Whether you journal your answers in a Moleskine, jot them down in your Notes app, or chew them through with a therapist or friend, Wright urges you to do your best not to judge yourself for the answers that come to mind. We are taught that there is a very narrow range of what desires and frequency of sex are permissible, she says. As such, the many people who fall outside of that range (and desire more or less sex) will have to fight the internalised belief that their desires are capital-w Wrong.

If you notice feelings of shame, humiliation, or discomfort as you chew through these questions, Wright suggests working through these emotions with a sex-positive mental health professional. ‘They’ll be able to remind you that your wants and desires are normal.’

2. Talk to Your Partner

Given that there’s really no way to know whether or not you and your partner are on the same page about sexual frequency unless you talk about it, communication is key, says Pataky.

‘When discussing the frequency of sex with your partner, it’s essential to approach the conversation with openness and empathy,’ she says. ‘Begin by creating a safe, non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their feelings and desires.’ It’s also best to use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings and avoid placing blame, she says.

Some examples of what you might say:

• ‘I read an article about sexual frequency in relationships, and it made me realise that we haven’t talked about our sex life or sexual frequency in a bit. Would you be open to reading the article, and then discussing it with me sometime this week? I think it could be a nice way for us to get on the same page.’
• ‘When you have the energy, I’d really like to make time to share about our sexual needs, desires, and wants. My perception is that I’m much more interested in physical intimacy these days, and I’d love it if you could share some insights with me about if that’s the case, and why. I want to make sure that we’re both getting our needs met and I’m not dropping the ball on some place I’m overlooking.’
• ‘I’ve observed that we haven’t been as intimate or sexual in the last few months as we were the first few years of our relationship. I’m feeling a little unsure on how to talk about this because I don’t want anyone to feel pressured, but I do miss being physically close with you. Would you be open to brainstorming ways that we can nurture that piece of our relationship?’

Remember: What you say is important – but what your partner says is, too. ‘It’s crucial to listen actively to your partner’s perspective and acknowledge their feelings as well as share your own,’ says Pataky.

3. Prioritise Intimacy

Sure, a sexless relationship can be healthy! But for most allosexual people, it’s not possible to be in a partnership that isn’t intimate.

‘Intimacy is a culture of closeness and connection between two (or more) people that builds over time,’ says psychologist and sex therapist Megan Fleming, PhD. It’s the thing that enables relationships to feel safe, supportive, sacred, and can set the foundation for sexual closeness, she said.