I’ve been in enough relationships to know, beyond any reasonable doubt, all of the answers when it comes to making a man like you. You can have any ah-mazing man you want, if you’ll just follow these seven simple steps to self-improvement. Since self-improvement looks a great deal like getting a man to like you.
1. Keep up with your diet and the gym.
I mean, this is crucial if you want to find any man at all. This point seems obvious, doesn’t it? I often advise my fellow women to jump on Kanye West’s “The New Workout Plan” immediately. Kanye explains, rather matter-of-factly, that with “all them mocha lattes, you’ve gotta do pilates,” and, “That’s right, go berserk! Eat your salad, no dessert!” Indeed. No dessert. You think finding a man is easy? Not if you’re stuffing your fat face with Nutella every damn night. Stay fit. For Kanye.
2. Don’t text or call him first.
Ah, the most oft asked question by women around the world: “Should I text him?” I will always advise you to never text or call men after your initial introduction. What if you have something important to say? Do yourself a favor and keep it to yourself. In fact, never text or call him at all. And never return his texts or calls, either. He does not want to talk to you. He probably hates you.
3. Never eat much on first dates.
If you’re on a first date, then you know you’re being constantly judged for the entirety of the time. Second to second. Nanosecond to nanosecond. Fractions of seconds move at warp speed, and you don’t want him to catch you chewing during any single one of them. I’ve come up with a few handy tricks to becoming a bit more elusive. First, always eat something that you think will impress him for its low caloric content. A real man cares about how many calories you eat. He might act like he’s never been on My Fitness Pal, but he has. He knows how many calories are in that balsamic vinaigrette dressing you’re dumping on your spinach salad. Scratch that. Skip the meal completely. Don’t eat. This way you’ll stay thin and excite him with your amazing rib bone structure. He probably didn’t want to have a meal with you, anyway. But, as far as the drinks go, your love shall have no bounds.
4. You must not have an opinion on sports.
Let’s say he brings up something about sports. Act like you have no idea what he’s talking about, and ask him to expand on this new topic. Make him think you were raised in a society where “sports” was not even a word that made sense. He’ll think it’s cute. He’ll be into it. What is this mysterious “football” you speak of, anyway?
5. Lie about your “number.”
That number. This one really depends on your personal preference and sexual history. I will typically advise you to tell him you’ve either slept with 1% of the actual number, even if that number is a non-integer number between zero and one, or that once you slept with the entire Class of 2008. Either one could really get his imagination going, and make him very interested in you. I’m glad I could help you guys overcome this doozy of an “issue.”
6. Do not pee or poop around him.
Do not let on to even the slightest hint that you are doing anything other than re-applying your makeup in the bathroom. Depending on the length of your bathroom visit, you will need to compensate with something. “Oh, goodness! I just could NOT find my lipstick.” Make sure it is smeared all over your face. Go all out and get creative. Some men are living in denial about this already, so you won’t even need to come up with a clever excuse. You know what they say: only rainbows and butterflies come out of “there.” Be very delicate on this topic, or he will never forgive you for shattering his delicate vision of who a female should be.
7. Do not let him know you menstruate.
In order to do this, you will have to be subtle. Never paint your face with menstrual-blood-warrior-stripes during this time. I’ve been told that’s a huge red flag. Moving on, never ask him to pick up a box of tampons, even if you’ve been in a relationship for 80 years. Men do not need to discover that due to menstruation, they are alive and able to be with you here on this earth.